Complicated Queer Feelings

Rainbow Crate hosts a monthly photo challenge to show off the items in each box. The first day is always a free day for anyone to participate regardless of if they got a box or not. Day 1’s prompt is to talk about what queer means to you.

I have a lot of complicated feelings around being queer. I see all these people saying how much certain queer media means to them and how much they struggled as a queer kid growing up and I don’t have that. I mean, I’ve got a few books that mean a lot to me (The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun and Never Been Kissed by Timothy Janovsky specifically), but I feel like an imposter. I don’t relate to the struggles of most queer people and I’m extremely thankful for that. I’m glad I wasn’t bullied for being the weird queer kid or was forced to stay in the closet because it wasn’t safe to be my authentic self. Hell, I didn’t even know I was queer until college (see: Heart Feelings not Pants Feelings). I always knew something was different because I didn’t really have crushes and didn’t really date until college, but I never really knew what it was. You don’t see asexuality portrayed in the media and when you do, it’s usually the butt of a joke or not taken seriously at all.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely proud of being ace and talking about what it means to me and how things really clicked into place in my brain upon discovery of the term, but it doesn’t make me feel like I belong any more than before. I was bullied a bit in college for it by people who I thought were my friends and queer friendly. Even some of them came out a few years after I did. My family never gave me any problems after I came out (even though my grandma is still pushing for me to have kids, but that’s been an issue long before anyone knew I was ace), and I know I’m extremely lucky there. My partner is also queer (didn’t know that until after we’d been together a bit) and despite being in a straight passing relationship it’s honestly the best thing that’s probably ever happened to me. But none of that makes being queer any less complicated for me.

I know everyone has their own journey with their sexuality and no two people have the same story. I get that, I do. It’s just hard for me because I feel like nothing really changed? Which is good? Like, I realize how extremely privileged I am to have the experience I’ve had, but it doesn’t make me any less conflicted about it all. I would love nothing more than to be able to relate to all this queer media people say have changed their lives. I would love to be able to talk about discovering my sexuality in the same way that others do and how it was such a huge revelation for them, but I can’t. Other than finding the tumblr post I mention in my blog post linked a few paragraphs up, I didn’t have a “eureka” moment. That’s not to say that my experience/journey is any less important in the grand scheme of being queer, because it’s not, I just always feel left out of the conversation when it comes to queer discovery and my relationship to queer media.

tl;dr: I know this was rambley as I wrote it stream-of-consciousness style, but basically what I’m getting at is being queer, for me, is complicated. I have a lot of complicated feelings about it, but I wouldn’t trade being a part of this community for anything.


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